wonder on

sometimes life feels like a kid’s game where a bunch of your friends grab hold of you and have you close your eyes. they spin you around as fast as they can until you start to get wobbly. push you forward and let your eyes pop open to all the color and glitter spinning around you. the sensation grabs hold of you confusing your legs with what you see and before you know it you are staggering around the grass until you fall down hearing everyone laugh at you. it takes a bit before the world settles down and your eyes can focus on the clouds above you. maybe a friend will plop down beside you and laugh as they tell you how funny you looked as the ground spit up and smacked your head.

i try to wonder on those moments.

headed back inside

i am always amazed at how little i really know. 

i am not a stupid person. there are times that i find that i can be brilliant. get me on a roll if you want a lecture and stuff comes out of me that you won’t believe. some people at [my old] work cringes when i am in this mode. i am filled with passion and energy that just blows people down.

but then there are other times that i find myself in the company of people who really possess intelligence. they speak and write with such precision, with such poetry that i am hypnotized. i feel the rhythm. i feel the truth. i am subdued when i realize that the paltry knowledge that i possess is a mere pittance. it makes my head hurt. 

then there are other times when the situation is not complicated. in fact it may be quite straight forward. like this morning. i ran out to get something out of my car. i opened the front door and grabbed my ipod out of the center, opened the back door and reached to the floor to grab my water bottle that had fallen to the floor. i closed the door and headed back inside. i turned back – the inside car light was still shining? i opened and closed the door and the light remained shining brightly throughout. i went around the car and checked to make sure that all the doors were closed. all tight and right. i reached into the back and switched the lever to the center and the light shut off. i pressed the lever further and the light turned back on. but the door was open so that was OK. when i closed the door the light turned off like it was supposed to. 

now i was confused. i didn’t accidentally hit the switch. it slides and you have to go past two clicks to get it to the on with the doors shut setting. the car had started right up. i had driven home after dark last night. i would have noticed an interior light on. if it had been on since i climbed out of the car, i’m sure that i would have had trouble starting the car. so now i feel stupid. how did that light get turned on? 

so many simply things like this that grab hold of me, shake me and remind me that “you don’t know nothin”.

something is lost

if you read the bible you may hear the tunes that i hear.

i see the written pages try to give god characteristics of man. we see his anger when he isn’t getting enough devotion. we see his wrath as he destroys cities and nations, all for different reasons. we see his devotions to specific individuals even when they treat him poorly. we see the patience. we see the frustrations. we see emotions. 

is this how we should really perceive him? i know that man was made in his image. do we then see the lord as anything less than perfect? if the bible is the word of god can we see it as anything but perfect? i must then conclude that if these two premises are true, then something is lost in the translation. i must be reading it wrong. i must be seeing him wrong.

during my questioning of these thoughts at one time, i got an image that made me think|feel that maybe the lord uses only things that we would understand. we perceive emotions in him as a symbol or example of how we would feel in that situation. 

a guess its just a matter of faith. 
when there is nothing in you, there is no faith.

monday

this happens all the time. i’m tons more energized tonight [and might actually do some work] than all freakin’ weekend. i don’t get it. i haven’t had any coffee since yesterday, i swears. 

other matters. i can’t seem to spell today at work to save my life, can’t use pronouns in a way that you can determine the antecedent, and insist on writing passive sentences. but the day is not over. maybe i can remember how to write before the sun hides behind the mountains. maybe.

location and potential

i remember a while back a friend inadvertently called me a fixer-upper. i took the statement out of context and yes, i know it was not meant as a slam. the truth is that i am and in a way it was a compliment.

as i thought about the comment i pictured people shopping for mates like couples shop for a house. there is a lot of different types of homes and lot of different factors in how that decision is made. cost and condition, location and potential, the list is complicated and indeed becomes emotional. i can understand the concept of a fixer-upper when dealing with a home. i just was having a bit of difficulty translating that into shopping for a partner. i guess that stems from the basic premise that we can influence the direction of development in people. maybe we can. i guess i was never confident enough or even smart enough to think of changing somebody else. i had a hard enough time dealing with who i am.

i also think that my vision of relationships is not so glamorous. not the development of a comfortable abode but the selection of a partner that will help make the travel through life more enjoyable. go ahead and yell at me now as i describe it more like the selection of an automobile. styles and colors, features and abilities, needs and desires all making that selection best for you. 

[think of all the mismatched couples that you sometimes wonder about and then think of that little man getting out of a huge pickup truck wearing his shit kicking boots or this old man driving an exotic sports car with a walker jammed in the almost storage area...]

so a fixer-upper? i thought about it. what is a fixer-upper? not that house that you see that needs just a few basic repairs. not that huge mansion on the hill overlooking the ocean. not that ranch so rugged and lean sitting on a rich plot of land. not that sophisticated condo in the city. a fixer-upper! was it neglected through time or mistreatment? was it a house with basic potential but in need of a lot of sweat and tears to make it livable? raw and pliable so that you could make it fit your needs and tastes a bit better? was it simply cheap? 

the house my father bought was indeed a fixer-upper so i can see how the sweat and effort makes it feel like it is a bigger part of you. maybe that is what was meant. a lot of yourself goes into a fixer-upper. maybe i am worth the effort?

words

there are some words rambling around in my head. i suspect they are there for a purpose and yet even their meaning remains on the tip of my tongue. do you want to know what those words are? 

“you don’t choose your friends. they choose you”

those words are another shoe tying experience. i KNOW what they mean and yet i don’t. i am not even sure i want to explore their meaning. which is probably why they are rambling around in my head. maybe by writing them here they will stop taunting me but i suspect not. i am sure i need to look at them squarely and recognize their intent. 

instead i do believe i’ll chase the tail instead of the dog.