pretty petty

i’m ashamed.
i’m ashamed at what i allow to affect my self-esteem. 

having a bad round of golf. balancing my checkbook. looking into the mirror. yes, even that little number down near my links that seems to be frozen in time. i’m ashamed. and i don’t play fair. although they cut me down when they show no promise, they do not lift me up if they are shining. 

it does make me wonder what we use to define ourselves. maybe i focus on the petty so that i do not have to face the grand. how would you describe yourself? do you start with the physical? do you start with your job? do you start with your family status? 

tell me, i really want to know.

lists

there is a purple notebook to the left of my computer. you’ll find some pages filled top to bottom with items that need my attention.

each accompanied by a numbered bullet.
some with stars indicating urgency.
a few with some scribbled lines through them shouting out their completion.
some have notes listing progress.

 

i don’t use it to keep me focused. i don’t use it to keep me in step. my pace and my direction still come from the pounding in my heart and in my head. i sway in the direction of the most pressure.

surely it is my gesture to be organized.
surely it is my attempt to control the efforts of my life.
surely it is a scream of my importance.
surely i need a longer list…