guess the progress

maybe i expect too much.
possibly i don’t see things clearly.

people are unsolvable puzzles to me. pieces make up us all. some of mine are here. this one is of colors and shapes that make no sense to me.

i think that i mistake the feeling of people who are friendly with thinking that they are my friends. i confuse the feelings of my love for somebody with their love for me. i only see what i see and trick myself into believing it is what you see too. i think that if i choose words carefully enough i can tell you what i think and what i feel.

what i have found is that sometimes the harder you try the less effective you are. the less you tell the better you are with people. they do not want to know what is in your heart. sometimes they are too absorbed with what is in their own. i am no different. maybe i am worse. are we simply selfish creatures?

somehow things fall and things happen. what is in my heart doesn’t matter. people will be people and this is how life goes. no matter how much you want things make no difference in whether you get it or not… no… in fact it was easier to get friends when i really didn’t care. don’t give a crap about somebody and they try hard to change your mind. try hard not to hurt someone and push them away in the middle of it. my mind is messed up right now. i have been totally confused to find how people see me. it was nothing like how my reality played. some people i thought were friends were/are angry with me. thought i did them poorly by losing it within myself. some were extremely gracious… and not the ones i thought would be.

i guess i really don’t know much. i guess the progress i thought i made was really an illusion. you confuse me the most. i think you have told me why and yet i still don’t know. no… maybe i wanted that too much.