swirling uncertainty

i was flying. more like swimming or pushing my way through the air. floating above the world. it was hard work but i kept trying. sometimes the reality of dreams amaze me. i could feel the air. i could feel the ache of my muscles. i felt the hardness and the coldness of the pole i grabbed to gain some rest.

i was sitting at the keyboard pushing my way through the feelings that pressed in upon me. one key at a time. one word after another. it was hard work but i kept trying. i want to write, right? each time i did i sat and stared at the screen. my fingers wouldn’t press and of those lettered keys. when they did i would sit and stare at the words they formed and think, ‘i can’t say that’. i would backspace to erase the whole mess. sometimes the fuzziness of reality amazes me. the swirling uncertainty of all of it grips me. which muscles ached? what truths were slipping between my fingers.

there are moments that solid ground feels less solid than swimming through the air. somewhere i heard about the functioning of our brains – how we tend to fill in the gaps so that things make sense to us. maybe a bit like mirages where we fill them in so that they make sense and fulfill some desires too.

minutes later

have you ever experienced that period right before you wake up, where you’re dreaming but really half awake? during this time i typically come up with all sorts of revolutionary ideas and inventions. like one morning i invented a machine that cleans your shoes right before you walk into the house so no one could yell at you anymore for tracking in mud. a while back, i dreamed that i convinced the military to have missiles that drop food aid into villages instead of explosives that kill everyone. this morning in my dream i gave up my apartment and went to live with the homeless person who spends most of his time on the corner outside of the wal-mart on wetmore and 1st. we flew into washington dc and convinced congress to pave the way for every city to have more affordable housing. i typically come up with all sorts of inventions and great ways to go about social action in these times, only to wake up a few minuets later and think that the ideas are actually pretty impractical [moms would never allow the shoe cleaning thing to take off, missiles are a lot more effective when they are being used to kill people, and living on the street just isn't realistic. i'm pretty white and i might get sunburned out there ... right??].

i think my right brain overpowers my left brain when i’m asleep. then when i wake up my left brain kicks back in if only to tell me that my dreams aren’t realistic [or maybe my brain science is horrible and that's not what happens at all]. either way, i don’t remember this being a problem when i was a kid. i want to be more like that again, to dream and actually think things are possible.