can’t seem to shake

yesterday i sat out on the porch at twilight. the air was cool and still and i was struck by the quietness of the neighborhood.

sometimes i think about what it means to live in a place.

this is where i live. this is the building that i reside in. this is where i eat food and sleep in my bed. this is where i have stuff. somehow i can’t get past the feeling that even if i were to be the owner of this home, any home for that matter, it would still feel a bit like camping. there is an impermanence that i can’t seem to shake.

i know its been a while

I thought I was here but I must be someplace else.
Possibly I really don’t have anything to say…

feet and you

life has a way of sometimes giving you a narrow path to walk. you need to shuffle your feet at times to keep that precarious balance that prevents you from losing yourself over the edge. concentrating on such a narrow path though can give you the illusion that you are walking alone. you spend so much time watching your feet and you lose some of the splendor of the view that caresses you along the journey. the solitude does give you room for pause however and sometimes those things you need the most are there when you need them the most.

but im ready to stop looking at my feet.

happy valentine’s day

love.

represented by two sweet curves and the color of the substance that pulses through our body carrying with it life and energy. simple in thought but powerful enough that it could be fire or steel. like the air we breathe it is invisible in itself and can only be seen by the effects or distortions of people or objects around it.  like the oxygen in the air , love holds a need that without it we would suffocate and wither to nothing.

i find love has different tastes, maybe even textures. the purity of love for a child is as uplifting as the melody of a fine orchestra. the weakest man becomes the strongest if you attack via an avenue of his love. the strongest man can be reduced to nothing by the fierce flame of unrequited love. love comes in all shapes and sizes. opening your heart so that it can sng its melody. swirling thoughts and feelings between souls dancing thier way through the walz of life.

love may find you, or you man find love. i have been knocked to the ground by love. like being struck by lightening. a bolt so strong you feel frail compared to its power. i have had love soak through my skin. slowly filling me with its splendor. sneaking up to fill me overflowing. being so much of you that you cannot tell it apart from yourself.

love.
it is what we hold closest to our hearts.

today is the day that we celebrate all that it encompances. sometimes it is the flavor of honey. sometimes it is bittersweet. i choose to celebrate all that i have witnessed.

happy valentines day.
know that i do love.

breaking through

some struggles are like trying to dig through an avalanche of rocks. they come tumbling town on you burying you among thier weight. the only way out of them is to claw and scrap. the labor is excrucuationg. with the air caked with dust and dirt, breating is a chore. the lack of light cycles can make you lose site of time. 

not knowing how far you have come or how far you still need to go makes this struggle all the more difficult. its hard to conquer what you cannot see. work (or my lack of work) recently has been this way for me.

somewhere in my brain is a vision that i witnessed a long time ago. a person was tunneling out of a tunnel and is overcome with the thought that they will never reach thier goal. they give up. the vision shows that they were inches from breaking through to freedom. the message is clear that we need to keep going because we never really know how close we are to breaking through.

i have not broken through yet, but i continue to dig even with half a mind thinking that i could never get out from under all that has tumbled down upon me.

i am tired.
i have no job.
i have less and less money.
i am confident that i am doing what i can.
i am confindent that – that is enough.
i am scared that i will not be able to find work.
i am scared of what happens after that.

i will keep digging. pushing through the tunnel until i break through this one.

makes me laugh

it has taken me a long time to learn that everything is harder than i first imagine and everything takes longer that i first suspect. additionally i have learned that many things in life are subject to the jinx factor. stating a certainty about something is the surest way for it not to happen.

it makes me laugh and shake my head as i think of all life’s repetitive courses on this subject that i have taken. i must be that kid who sticks their hand in the fire and pulls it back saying “ouch” only to test the heat over and over again.

a recent piece of this puzzle shows that even as i can state this lesson… even as i can understand this lesson… i certainly must stick my hand back into the fire just to see if it is still indeed hot.

sitting back

the new year is supposed to be a symbol of new beginnings. we fill them with energy and enthusiasm and make resolutions on how we will put forth our efforts to improve our existence. there are many wonderful statements of resolve out there. it has also been used as a time of reflection. sitting back and looking at the previous year’s journey and marveling at the distance that it contains. it is amazing at how far we can go when we do it one step at a time.

a little over a year ago i stood in some darkness in my mind. it was darkness that i had intentionally placed there. a shadow where i could go and hide when i felt the need. it was a comfortable place where i could observe the world and the world could not see me. a lurker.

as i watched and marveled i began to long for sunshine. i wanted to feel the breath of the sun as it flicked its fingers across my face. feel the warmth as my skin drank in the luster. understand the joy of being. dance in full glory of any who would want to see. i knew it was time to strip away the shadows from my existence.

the new year is a symbol of new beginnings.  the moment that 2008 became 2009 the earth moved but a breath. as we counted down to that moment, that change occurred with some of us mid-inhale and some of us mid-exhale. i don’t even remember which one i was. but i do remember thinking to myself – no goals for me. i’m just gonna keep walking in the path i have chosen. try not to shed tears over the paths no longer offered and remember all the treasures that i hold.

welcome to 2009.

the day after

holidays come and go too quickly.
especially when you only have one day to enjoy them.

but with all the preparation they are gone so quickly you wonder if they really happened at all. there are hints like the stack of trash or the few extra pounds when you step on the scale. a few extra sets of tire tracks in your snow covered driveway. you mind tells you that it was real and still you wonder. it was as if you had stepped through it like a dream. you woke up this morning realizing that things have changed but they still remain the same.

another peg placed in your existence.

maybe it’s seeing that the years are flashing by even more quickly. maybe it’s thinking that i treat my life like one big christmas. praying for some specific things to fall into my hands all wrapped up in pretty paper. feeling the joy and anticipation of unwrapping those gifts and holding them in my hands.

the flip side of me sees that rewards are things that are worked for. sweat and sometimes blod pounding out a creation of my mind making it reality. things worth having are things worth the effort. life is what we make it.

neither is true and maybe both are. laughing and crying at myself because a gift i reveived was not acknowedlged with a tag. wondering if i picked it up and it really wasn’t meant for me at all. one of those things that make you happy and sad at the same time.

celebrations

i am alone in my office finishing up things so that i can leave. 
the holiday season will turn from co-workers and inventory to friends to my family in a little while for me. 

the quiet makes me a little anxious. celebrations and closeness make me a little anxious. 
i’m not sure why. but here i sit thinking out loud to whoever reads this and i wonder. 

is it the parade of sugar? 
is it the adrenaline rush and then the let down? 
taking me out of my comfort zone? 

christmas always seems to humble me. maybe its not being with my immediate family this christmas that is humbling me. maybe its the fact that family that i have never met has invited me into their house, into their home for christmas. so here i sit here freeing my emotions. untwisting them. trying to breathe so that i can endure the undeserved love of the family i have found up here. 

wishing all of you the best christmas ever

halloween

i think it was while i was in first grade that i first became aware that the rest of the world was not as fortunate as i was. during the month leading up to halloween our teacher talked about some of the hungry people in the world. we were shown kids that had exposed ribs and sunken eyes. there was pain written on their faces. i wanted to send them food. i had plenty to eat and told my mom that i would share some of my dinner.

my mom explained that the food would spoil and that would not help the kids because they were so far away.

it was too many years ago to remember all the details of how these waves of feelings passed over me. i do remember really suggesting sending my spaghetti and maybe mentioning that to my teacher. we had a discussion at school and the concept of trick-or-treating for UNICEF came up. it was a difficult concept for 6-year-olds to understand.

after being explained the process, i thought i understood it. trade you trick-or-treat for the hungry kids. collect money instead of candy. there were special cans with slits on the top. a sealed bank of sorts. we signed up and made a pledge. i was ready. ready to do my part to help. trade some of my grace for the people in need.

somehow things changed as we got closer to Halloween. there seemed to be a social clause that we could do BOTH. trick-or-treat for UNICEF the day before halloween. somehow it didn’t seem right. even in my tinker-bell outfit that looked a lot like my gymnastics’ clothes, walking down the street at 4:00 pm in the afternoon just didn’t seem like charity. making the can jingle jangle wasn’t like i had to dig deep into my graces to share with those that needed it.

i really wanted to share my dinner. i would have even given them my dessert.